Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
