A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
