Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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