I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
