If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
