considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
