Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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