you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
