Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
