cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
