Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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