My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
