Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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