dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
