Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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