Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
