Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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