Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
