can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
