Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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