Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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