I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
