My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
