I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize