see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
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