how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
