I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
