this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
