So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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