sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize