My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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