She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
