Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
