Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
