if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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