Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
