I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
