Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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