fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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