I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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