Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
