I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
