just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
