i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
