so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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