Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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