I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
