Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
