For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
