Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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