i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
