I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
