Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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