What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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