oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
So squirting runs in the family.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
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