God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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